Who Knew...

It's suppose to get easier every day,
Or at least that is what everyone keeps telling me.


I have managed to lose my words
I feel soon I may lose my mind too

Who Knew
Pink

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong
I know better
'Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Remember when
We were such fools
And so convinced
And just too cool

I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you a friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong

That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew

In a moment....

I can't believe how fast it happened
One second I was looking at a green light and traffic was moving forward
The next second the guy was stopped and I was in his boat.
A loud crash was heard and I just sat there, I couldn't move, I was frozen.
He got out and starting screaming at me, asking where my cellphone was!
Thankfully, for once, I did not have it sitting there, it was in my purse.
My mom was calling at that exact moment the man started yelling at me,
just moments after the crash.
I am okay, and thankfully so is the guy.
I have been taking it really hard.
Beating myself up for being so stupid to crash my car.
I know it is just a piece of metal, well now it is just a piece of twisted metal.
And I know cars can be replaced, but how much worse can things get.
I thought I had hit rock bottom, I thought my financial struggles and broken heart were enough.
Now this.

I am hurting, physically and emotionally today.
I am sore with an aching back.
I can't sleep, I just toss and turn.


I found out *he* has a new girlfriend
I do not want this to bug me,
I want to just be okay with it.
Knowing that he is happy makes me happy.
He deserves someone who can make him happy.
But it secretly (well not so secretly now) kills me inside
I am so sick of the gossip.
I am tired of people thinking they know me,
you don't.
I tried to do everything I could for him, I wanted him to be happy.
I forgot about myself in the process.
My personal happiness is what should always be what is most important to me and I forget that.
What was I suppose to do, continue to drown or finally come to the surface and breath?
I needed air for myself.
This was not what I was expecting.
Time heals all wounds, right?
Gosh, I hope so, I do not think I can continue feeling this way anymore.
I hope he is happy though.

I am ready for something great to happen....

hurt...

Everything hurts today

My mind, my body but mostly my heart.

I wish this feeling would go away.

I wish I could be happy once again.

Hopefully something happens soon because I don't think I can take much more of this feeling.

Today is a somber day for me...

The events of the weekend kept me feeling pretty lucky! After one of my good friends got into a fight with a guy on Saturday, it left him in pretty bad shape bleeding on the sidewalk. Thankfully, our group happened to be walking past at the time and we were able to get the cops there and one of the guys arrested. Ryan went to the hospital by ambulance, but thankfully went home with a broken nose and some stitches, since we found him completely knocked out I thought it was going to be a lot worse! I am so thankful that we found him when we did and were able to somewhat get the situation handled, hopefully now justice will prevail & both the guys will end up getting what they deserve in court!

As for me,

I got a new job as a bartender/waitress at Huikkos Bowling Center here in town, I work over in the Bison Creek Dining area. I have only been there for two shifts but already like it. It is a lot different than Boonedocks, it is busier and it is more of resturant than a bar.

Things are okay in general besides having a huge dark cloud over my head all the time... called BILLS! I am really struggling to get them paid & feeling really down about them! "Real" life sucks!

On a bit more of a sad note...

Happy Birthday to my Grandpa Ben, he would have been 75 today. It is strange to think that he we can't pick up a phone to call and wish him happy birthday anymore. I miss him more and more everyday!

I got my tattoo done about a month or so ago, it is my Grandpa Ben's airforce wings & his initials! I love it, the best part is when people ask you about it and you tell them who it is for, they are all so intersted and want to hear about my Grandpa & that is the best part, is sharing memories of Grandpa Ben with people!

Tomorrow will be 5 years since our families house burnt down. I am not sure how to feel about that all, I look at pictures of it and I am so thankfully that my brother & I made it out okay! I dont really think about it like I used to, for a long time not a day went by that I wouldn't replay that night over and over again!

I am thankfully everyday that I see my family and we are able to all still be here. Material things can be replaced, closets can be refilled & walls can be rebuilt, but you can never replace your family. My parents taught me the most important lesson of all from it all, no matter where we live, as long as we have family... we are always home!

I am going to leave with this picture... mainly because as miserable as we look... it is one of the best memories I will ever have with my Evan! <3>

Changes

**OLD POST**
2/25/09

Well, life has changed alot in the past 24 hours.



I no longer work at the bar, I am apparently the reason that the bar isnt doing business. I am just a horrible person that no one wants to work with me, no one wants to come in while I am working and gosh, I must be stealing from the bar because it is not making any money!



I think I feel worse about the things that we said to me than actually losing my job, I had so many people that always told me how much fun they had when I was there, how they enjoyed me being there and how they actually didnt like coming in when other people where working. So, how do I justify what was said to me and what people said to my face, who are these people that have such a hold on the owners that they would fire me over hearsay....

Im going to be brief and do a full update later.

I am in a semi closed off mood today,
I am really sick of watching everyone,
I hate growing up,
and I hate bills.

That is the extent of my feelings today.

I am in a sour mood, don't completely understand it.

So that is all for today, will update tomorrow, if I get
on my computer.

::as we grow up, we learn that even the one person
that wasnt supposed to ever let you down
probably will.
You will have your heart broken,
probably more than one
and it gets harder everytime
You'll break hearts too,
so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love,
for things and old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing by too fast
and eventually you will lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures,
laugh too much,
and love like you have NEVER been hurt
Because every sixty seconds you spend upset
is a minute of happiness you'll NEVER get back::

To A New Year...

Well, Happy 2009 Everyone! I can't believe I have been so horrible at posting. Seems like I dont have much for free time these days, working like crazy between my two jobs and then school starts back up in a week!! As if I didn't feel stressed enough now, adding class back into the schedule will be tough!

As for other things in my life, I have just decided that I need to be concerned with me & only me. I was told by what I consider a great friend that he thought Jarrod & I were going to break up before mid-year... even though to me... things with Jarrod & I have been actually pretty good. With the exception of the fight here & there (but who doesn't do that). So I have been kind of feeling down that people see Jarrod & I like that.

And besides that I just feel like there needs to be some big changes in 09... things just need to be different... I am not sure what those changes are yet but when they come you will for sure know!

Well I don't have a lot more to say right now, I will post later with some new pics from the holidays & new years/my b-day!

Hope 09 is better than the last!