Hold on tight...

Things seems better lately. At least with him things are better.

Although no actually titles are being assigned we are together.

Being with him makes me happy, makes me smile.

I feel like myself with him.

I am free with him. He brings joy to my life.

School is wrapping up for quarter and a well deserved break is coming for me!

I currently have great grades in my classes and I can not tell you how happy that makes me.

I am so ready to keep pushing forward with new ideas and learning new techniques and challenges.

Christmas is around the corner and my 24th birthday! I can not believe how fast this year has come and gone already. This last year threw alot of curve balls my way, but with a ton of love and support and I am still standing. I will be very happy to see 2009 go and start a new year with a new attitude!

This is my beautiful Christmas tree that I put up the other week... it took some tricky rigging though to get it together. Once I realized that I was missing the 2 foot top of the tree, Vicki and I had to go and steal a tree from her mom and tape it to the top... but I think even though it may be a little funny looking, it is about the season. About giving and being with family and friends, not about how great my Christmas tree looks. So I will write again hopefully before the new year! Merry Christmas everyone, and happy holidays.

I want to fight...

Heartbreak... once again.
But whatelse is new.
And no one really cares it seems.
Everyone says, "it will be ok, maybe he just wasnt the right one, maybe he just wasnt ready."

I can't hear that one more time.
I hate being without him.
I am completely heartbroken.
Shattered.

I feel alone.
I feel lost.
I feel helpless.

I want to fight to get it back.
I want him to see how wonderful we were.
I want so much more than this empty feeling I am left with.
I want to feel like someone cares about me.
About my feelings and what is going on with me.

I want to be loved.
I thought I was.
Apparently not.

Help... I need somebody...

I do not know if anyone even reads this anymore but I am taking this moment to vent...

I am so overwhelmed right now I can't stand it, and I feel like I have no where to turn. I am used to being the one to help everyone in their time of need, or even when they don't need it. I am okay with it, and I usually try not to put my problems on someone else but I need advice from someone and I can not seem to get it. There are so many other things going on that I have just put off dealing with my own things for so long. I am so over my head in bills and money issues that I have actually had to contemplate quitting school for a while to work 2 full time jobs just to get caught up. I already work two jobs, which I thought was working hard enough but apparently it is not good enough. I work a combined 60 hours between my two jobs a week plus spend 6 hours in classes and about another 15 hours a week on homework... that doesn't leave much time to do anything. I am so sick of the constant run around, I just want to lock my door, shut off my phone and lay in the dark for 24 hours without a single interruption. I am tired all the time and yet I still manage to push through everyday and usually get quite a few things accomplished. Yet why do I still feel like such a failure and such a loser. I give advice to people when they come to me and yet I can not even control my own life. Where do I go? Where do I turn? How do I get out of this hole I seem to have dug myself into?

As the Beatles said : "Help me if you can, I'm feeling down And I do appreciate you being round.Help me, get my feet back on the ground,Won't you please, please help me".... I down the end of ropes, I need to figure out how to get my head back above the water. I have put off helping myself for so long (which I told myself after J and I broke up that I would put only myself first and I didn't... obviously) I have to start concentrating on how to help myself and get out of this hole.


I am happy though to report that my sister told me yesterdat that she is expecting a LITTLE GIRL! I am going to have a niece/goddaughter! I can not wait to meet her! March will not come soon enough!!

Please pray for Marley Kenner Stevens

I am using every outlet I have to reach my friends to ask for prayers for my little buddy Marley. She is at the Childrens Hospital where she if fighting the H1N1 virus, the virus has started to attack her heart and the virus isnt letting her heart pump enough blood. She needs prayer to get strong & healthy again so she can fight off this virus and come home!

Marleys mom has worked for my parents since 2004 and is like family to me, she has always supported our family and been there when we needed a hand.

I want to make sure I not only get prayers going for Marley but to make sure everyone knows how bad this virus is and to keep themselves and their kids healthy.

Visit Marleys caringbridge for updates on how she is doing:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/marleykennerstevens

Keep her in your thoughts and prayers please!!

God Bless!

She paints her eyes as black as night now....

Well vacation has come & gone again, Rob & I headed up to Duluth for a few days back at the beginning of the month. We set off around 3pm from Rob's place in Big Lake, we stopped to grab a quick bite at the DQ and we headed on our 2 1/2+ drive to Duluth! On the way up Rob couldn't resist the urge to go to the casino, so we exited and made a stop at the Black Bear Casino, being that I do not gamble alot, I have only been to the casino one other time and I only played $40 in slots and won nothing, I decided to try my luck at the penny slots... which I put in $10 and came out with $20... so I left $10 richer! Rob on the other hand... left -$25! We made reservations for the first night to stay at a hotel because we did not want to set up our tent in the dark, once we rolled into town and realized we had gone from a comfy 75+ degrees in Big Lake to a brisk 65 degrees in Duluth... brrr! We started to reconsider our camping in Duluth all together!

We got settled into our hotel, freshed up and headed off to visit Rob's friend Johnny and his girlfriend Alice. They cooked us up some dinner and we had a few beers, heard old stories about Rob and his buddies and got to know them better, they showed us some really great Duluth style hospitality! We called it a night pretty early, sometime around 11 so we could get an early start on the day in the morning!




We meet up with one of Robs other friends Jamie for a early lunch and I got a chance to meet one of the most energetic but sweetest 4 years olds I have meet, Jamie brought his daughter Jayla with him, she was a delight to have around. While Rob and Jamie caught up on old times from when they lived in Missouri, I chased Jayla all around the lake front and helped her feed the birds french fries.

After spending the afternoon with Jamie and Jayla we took a drive up the shore, stopping in Two Harbors, Gooseberry Falls and East Beaver Bay. The views were breath-taking and having Rob to share em with was just priceless. We stopped on our way back from our drive and had a drink at the resturant where Rob did his intership after college, Nokomis on the Lake. It was so fancy, nothing compared to anything in Buffalo! Rob got to go back into the kitchen and say hi to his old friends and see the owner and executive chef, he seemed to really enjoy seeing everyone again!

We decided to stay at a hotel again for the night since it was chilly outside and camping that night probably would have froze my buns off! We checked in pretty late, almost 9pm and headed to grab a late night bite to eat and a drink while catching the highlights from the Twins game, I couldnt tell ya if we won or lost though.


After a good night sleep, we enjoyed the breakfast at the hotel, Rob made me a waffle and I drank WAY too much orange juice (I got a tummy ache from it!) We checked out and headed over to see Rob's other chef friend Sam, who is an amazing artist! We hung out with him while he showed us how he blows glass... and he made Rob a gift! It was so awesome!












We headed on our drive to find a campsite somewhere warmer for our last night of our mini vacaction. We checked out the map at hotel before leaving, wrote down a few places by Brainerd that we might find some camping, Rob grabbed a magazine on the way out too... which is how we found ourselves in Crosslake at the Crosslake Recreation Center... it was beautiful! We grabbed some hamburgers a nd hotdogs for diner and I made Rob let me get some stuff to make smores! We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening just enjoying the lake, Rob got to fish a little bit and I sat in the water
and read my book. We cooked dinner and spend the night around the fire, it was a little chilly when we finally crawled into the tent for bed but once all covered up it was a coozy nights sleep!

Rob made me an egg n' cheese english muffin for breakfast, we packed up and headed back home. It truley was a great break from everything down here, we got a chance to share a carefree weekend together with no worries and I got a chance to meet and hear some fun stories from Robs friends.


I hope you enjoyed the pictures as much as I do!

I am going in tomorrow so some surgery and I wont lie.... I am getting pretty nervous about it all. I am keeping close to my faith that everything will go well with the surgery and that will clear up everything. I am hoping the test results come back clear. I have had a wonderful support system during all of this scary stuff and I hope they all know how much I love them, appreciate them being there for me and giving the support to keep my head up.

Oh, since my sister has made her annoncement to everyone... I am so excited to tell you that my big sister, Julie is expecting her second baby!! Myles is gonna be a big brother! I am so happy for her, Josh and Myles! Julie is such a great mommy and hopefully Myles will be excited to have a new playmate!

Hope all is well with everyone! I will update soon!

All Over You

Well I guess it's time for a quick update to take a breather on my homework.

I have let myself go and I am dating again! I couldn't be happier to report that I have an amazing and wonderful new boyfriend. We have been friends for a few months and I have fallen so hard for him. He is sweet, handsome, caring, funny & thoughtful. He makes a point to tell me I am beautiful every day and he makes me smile, for me that is the biggest and best turn on there is. He makes me feel like I am special & we have so much fun together.

We went to a Twins game last week, my first Twins game... EVER! It was so much fun!! The end of the month we are taking the weekend off and headed to Duluth together for a camping trip! I just cant wait, not only to get away but just to have a weekend away from the Buffalo drama and just the two of us.

School is... well... going I guess. I have to work super hard to keep up with my homework because work keeps me so busy.

I am waiting for life to slow down a bit so I can catch up again, which probably wont happen but if it does maybe I start to breath again!

For now that is all, I will post some pictures soon and update more.

Who Knew...

It's suppose to get easier every day,
Or at least that is what everyone keeps telling me.


I have managed to lose my words
I feel soon I may lose my mind too

Who Knew
Pink

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong
I know better
'Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Remember when
We were such fools
And so convinced
And just too cool

I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you a friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong

That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew

In a moment....

I can't believe how fast it happened
One second I was looking at a green light and traffic was moving forward
The next second the guy was stopped and I was in his boat.
A loud crash was heard and I just sat there, I couldn't move, I was frozen.
He got out and starting screaming at me, asking where my cellphone was!
Thankfully, for once, I did not have it sitting there, it was in my purse.
My mom was calling at that exact moment the man started yelling at me,
just moments after the crash.
I am okay, and thankfully so is the guy.
I have been taking it really hard.
Beating myself up for being so stupid to crash my car.
I know it is just a piece of metal, well now it is just a piece of twisted metal.
And I know cars can be replaced, but how much worse can things get.
I thought I had hit rock bottom, I thought my financial struggles and broken heart were enough.
Now this.

I am hurting, physically and emotionally today.
I am sore with an aching back.
I can't sleep, I just toss and turn.


I found out *he* has a new girlfriend
I do not want this to bug me,
I want to just be okay with it.
Knowing that he is happy makes me happy.
He deserves someone who can make him happy.
But it secretly (well not so secretly now) kills me inside
I am so sick of the gossip.
I am tired of people thinking they know me,
you don't.
I tried to do everything I could for him, I wanted him to be happy.
I forgot about myself in the process.
My personal happiness is what should always be what is most important to me and I forget that.
What was I suppose to do, continue to drown or finally come to the surface and breath?
I needed air for myself.
This was not what I was expecting.
Time heals all wounds, right?
Gosh, I hope so, I do not think I can continue feeling this way anymore.
I hope he is happy though.

I am ready for something great to happen....

hurt...

Everything hurts today

My mind, my body but mostly my heart.

I wish this feeling would go away.

I wish I could be happy once again.

Hopefully something happens soon because I don't think I can take much more of this feeling.

Today is a somber day for me...

The events of the weekend kept me feeling pretty lucky! After one of my good friends got into a fight with a guy on Saturday, it left him in pretty bad shape bleeding on the sidewalk. Thankfully, our group happened to be walking past at the time and we were able to get the cops there and one of the guys arrested. Ryan went to the hospital by ambulance, but thankfully went home with a broken nose and some stitches, since we found him completely knocked out I thought it was going to be a lot worse! I am so thankful that we found him when we did and were able to somewhat get the situation handled, hopefully now justice will prevail & both the guys will end up getting what they deserve in court!

As for me,

I got a new job as a bartender/waitress at Huikkos Bowling Center here in town, I work over in the Bison Creek Dining area. I have only been there for two shifts but already like it. It is a lot different than Boonedocks, it is busier and it is more of resturant than a bar.

Things are okay in general besides having a huge dark cloud over my head all the time... called BILLS! I am really struggling to get them paid & feeling really down about them! "Real" life sucks!

On a bit more of a sad note...

Happy Birthday to my Grandpa Ben, he would have been 75 today. It is strange to think that he we can't pick up a phone to call and wish him happy birthday anymore. I miss him more and more everyday!

I got my tattoo done about a month or so ago, it is my Grandpa Ben's airforce wings & his initials! I love it, the best part is when people ask you about it and you tell them who it is for, they are all so intersted and want to hear about my Grandpa & that is the best part, is sharing memories of Grandpa Ben with people!

Tomorrow will be 5 years since our families house burnt down. I am not sure how to feel about that all, I look at pictures of it and I am so thankfully that my brother & I made it out okay! I dont really think about it like I used to, for a long time not a day went by that I wouldn't replay that night over and over again!

I am thankfully everyday that I see my family and we are able to all still be here. Material things can be replaced, closets can be refilled & walls can be rebuilt, but you can never replace your family. My parents taught me the most important lesson of all from it all, no matter where we live, as long as we have family... we are always home!

I am going to leave with this picture... mainly because as miserable as we look... it is one of the best memories I will ever have with my Evan! <3>

Changes

**OLD POST**
2/25/09

Well, life has changed alot in the past 24 hours.



I no longer work at the bar, I am apparently the reason that the bar isnt doing business. I am just a horrible person that no one wants to work with me, no one wants to come in while I am working and gosh, I must be stealing from the bar because it is not making any money!



I think I feel worse about the things that we said to me than actually losing my job, I had so many people that always told me how much fun they had when I was there, how they enjoyed me being there and how they actually didnt like coming in when other people where working. So, how do I justify what was said to me and what people said to my face, who are these people that have such a hold on the owners that they would fire me over hearsay....

Im going to be brief and do a full update later.

I am in a semi closed off mood today,
I am really sick of watching everyone,
I hate growing up,
and I hate bills.

That is the extent of my feelings today.

I am in a sour mood, don't completely understand it.

So that is all for today, will update tomorrow, if I get
on my computer.

::as we grow up, we learn that even the one person
that wasnt supposed to ever let you down
probably will.
You will have your heart broken,
probably more than one
and it gets harder everytime
You'll break hearts too,
so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love,
for things and old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing by too fast
and eventually you will lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures,
laugh too much,
and love like you have NEVER been hurt
Because every sixty seconds you spend upset
is a minute of happiness you'll NEVER get back::

To A New Year...

Well, Happy 2009 Everyone! I can't believe I have been so horrible at posting. Seems like I dont have much for free time these days, working like crazy between my two jobs and then school starts back up in a week!! As if I didn't feel stressed enough now, adding class back into the schedule will be tough!

As for other things in my life, I have just decided that I need to be concerned with me & only me. I was told by what I consider a great friend that he thought Jarrod & I were going to break up before mid-year... even though to me... things with Jarrod & I have been actually pretty good. With the exception of the fight here & there (but who doesn't do that). So I have been kind of feeling down that people see Jarrod & I like that.

And besides that I just feel like there needs to be some big changes in 09... things just need to be different... I am not sure what those changes are yet but when they come you will for sure know!

Well I don't have a lot more to say right now, I will post later with some new pics from the holidays & new years/my b-day!

Hope 09 is better than the last!